Part of the reason I stopped going to mass cuz after time with all my hardships I started to lose faith in God(i still believe in him,I’m just a shitty version of job..that dude who gets tested in the book of job?). But yeah,I felt very out of place at that funeral mass today where all these people had such faith and love in the G-man. I feel I have a lot of understanding in the old man,but I feel that’s part of the reason why I reject him so much lately. I haven’t matured enough and reached the acceptance level yet. It’s that shit toad goes over when he gives his little speeches…that basically touch on the issue of”o if there is a God than why do bad things happen?” How shitty am I to feel that i know and to feel that I understand,but then to still not accept and rather reject..cuz it irks who I am? Idk,I feel that that’s part of the reason I feel so alone at times. We’re brought up learning that God is always that,there He is in everyone…and I feel that cuz I’ve lost so much faith in Him,that that’s why I feel so utterly alone and have no faith in myself..even though at times i do have friends and family around me. It’s the whole thing of why and how do some still feel so alone and so empty if they in fact do still have much? That’s where that whole faith thing stems from. It’s something for people who still need more,still feel alone. It’s that theme of the book of job..a very lucky dude suddenly losing all his shit and only having God left. Yet he passed his tests. I’m still much too much of a weak and disgusting and pathetic human. Well..I mean,more so the darker sides of people. I thought I was stronger and more positive,but I’m more lord genome than kamina(more gurren lagann shit..lord genome just fucking quit when he hit his 1st immovable wall..where kamina’s whole thing was kicking logic to the curb and doing the impossible..that whole cliche in one character). But yeah,I hit one big wall lately and now I’m a huge irrational and over dramatic mess with zero faith in himself or anything else. But eh lord genome eventually redeemed himself. Just need others right now I guess? Do the usual and place faith in others to feel better about myself. I guess it’s just a phase? I started to worry too much about what others thought lately,and I began to overthink on too many things lately,and that’s why I am the way I am lately. I’ll be fine later cuz I know to never quit and to stay positive. I just need to stop being a hypocrite and giving in the doubt and negativity And other bad shit. I keep weakly and dumbly giving in and waning. Gota stop that. And realize it’s fine to get help from others and no so rigidly keep everything in,cuz there is no shame in getting help from others. Only fair if you always help others right? A whole theme of gurren lagann that I always forget is that yeah you can be strong simple by believing in yourself(lordgenome)but you still need other people to believe in you too or you’ll never be your strongest(simon..cuz heck lordgenome was a one man army but later lost it and became super weak once he hit his 1st immovable wall,and since no one was really there to support him..he gave into despair and weakened. The whole thing with spiral energy in that show was that it was based on positivity and faith in yourself and others). Once he gave into despair and had no one to support him..this once literal god like dude became a much weaker version of who he used to be. And heck Simon went from a shinji ikari style pussy with no self confidence..to being as awesome as kamina while still being himself. But Simon had loads of support. Dumb philosophical/deep shit,but yeah. Just have it super rough currently cuz I allowed everything to hit me at once. And cuz I closed people out and tried dealing with it alone..it made it super hard to do so alone. And i weakly gave in,and cuz of that when I did it was that much worse. Another theme of gurren lagann. Sure lord genomes was positive and powerful..but once he gave in he became much weaker and became the most depressed dude ever. There was a theme of drills and acceleration. Whereas Simon went from tiny dude to this god like dude..lordgenome took HUGE accelerated steps back once he have in..cuz he made so much progress and was so strong,he had so much to lose. Spiral power is dangerous cuz your greatest enemy was yourself. You have all this power that could explode in your face if you gave in. A reverse drill. The theme was things growing in scope. Just as that can happen in positive ways,it can happen in negative ways…that’s what happened to lordgenome and the anti spiral(the Anti spiral being nihilism in an actual form..life forms that have up on life cuz of the fact all shit would end eventually..thus anti spiral. ). Yeah I love that series cuz of the stuff it’s teaches ya. But yeah I should be done venting for now. Gota not dwell so much. The longer you dwell the worse it gets. Again like a drill. It’s what happened to lordgenome. Cuz he was a giant he fell the hardest once he did give in. Can’t dwell on shit or it snowballs and gets worse and worse. Gota never give in to bad shit and keep focusing on the positive. That’s a Zoroastrian thing too(Christian too of course!). So yeah lemme eat Sunday dinner 1st. Should help me get out of my slump a little. Ill talk with nick later. I shouldn’t give up on Kelley. Stuff could really work. Who knows? The girl and I have a lot of similarities and stuff could click. Just gota be more self confident and not give in to my own anxiety and awkwardness and over think and all that. But yeah. Bye.